Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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