GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
