im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
