I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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