You can't special order awesome
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
