Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
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