Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
