a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
There is a new fb quiz: "are you at ypical woman, future ex or from crazy town" - should i take it?
Aren't all three of those the same though?
this beer tastes like vomit already
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Randomize
