remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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