i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
So much rum. So many feels.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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