I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
