Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
my shit smells like andre
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Randomize
