I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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