I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
