John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
