No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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