Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
