Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
