That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Randomize
