Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
