I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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