Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
