how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
