I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Randomize
