Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
