lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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