Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
