I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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