i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
