I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
