haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
there was a trapeze. enough said
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
