dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.