I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
