I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
