he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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