and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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