my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
