planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
