the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
