I feel great
I just peed on a car
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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