i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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