made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I still have a little drunk in my system
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
