I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
