Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
