life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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