some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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