Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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