I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
