I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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