Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
