I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
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