I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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