you guys were way drunker than both of me
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
