made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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