life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
