I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
