There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
