Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
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